Wednesday, January 27, 2010

回憶

心若倦了 淚也乾了
這份深情 難捨難了
曾經擁有 天荒地老
已不見你 暮暮與朝朝

這一份情 永遠難了
願來生還能 再度擁抱
愛一個人 如何廝守到老
怎樣面對一切 我不知道

回憶過去 痛苦的相思忘不了
為何你還來 撥動我心跳
愛你怎麼能了 今夜的你應該明膫
緣難了 情難了


Sunday, January 24, 2010

thoughts

I believe when human is born, they come to this world alone before being taken by their parents..





so at certain time, no matter how grown up a baby is.. no matter how much they changed into a full grown adult which have tremendous mind.. they still couldnt run away from their own personality of all human being have in common.. that is ..its the most comfortable being alone...





yes, pregnant mother nurture the seed of life which is why it show the baby is not alone..



but just to be frank.. i dun think the baby inside the body of a female actually knew anything



they can just doze off and sleep for a long nine months 24/7...





the womb have already become so comfortable that it affect them no matter wat they have in future.. the best thing is just to be inside ur own world.. and doze off..





i dun really find out so much till i really experienced it this days.. many thing been jamming me and here and there..and i almost lose my mind ...for a long moment i thought it is my failure and also my immature that brough this chaos to myself..





when thing gone out of control, i desperately look for a way that is quite rare for me ...



to be completely alone ...not a day .. just for few minutes.. and actually i realize ..human being dun exactly have 1 second of lonely time.. when ur brain is jammed with even a 1 bit of data.. u are not in peace and not in alone state...





i finally able to destroy even a single bit and manage to stay calm .. just like a baby in a womb.. that is just so wonderful.. its like u are existing in a world that everything stop.. and everything is so calm and peaceful.. that is life...





later on ... bit to be destroy need to be reconstruct.. during that state.. constructing data is not exactly a hard job.. because i experience when u are in the womb state.. human tend to have their concentration increase to a thousand times.. no distraction, no noise, no feel, simply just concentration that is freaking strong~~





suppose this blog is to say wat i have been through this week, but i thing i will keep it to myself.. and also person that i would like them to know...





end up , this post have become a place for it to remind me that.. i shud always loyal to my ownself.. be wat i feel the comfortable most... remind me the method to increase my ability in certain occasion where i cant handle..





last but not least, i realize human is just using their thought to a low percentage.. i somehow able to see the potent energy in me... able does not mean it is going to happen always or i am going to be a superman... its rare.. i am fortunate to keep track of it..





i will not forget the me yesterday , and cant wait for the next moment of me~







Tuesday, January 19, 2010

I Am Fortunate

A story worth sharing…

4 years ago, an accident took my beloved away and very often I wonder, how does my wife, who is now in the heavenly realm, feel right now? She must be feeling extremely sad for leaving a husband who is incapable to taking care of the house and the kid. ‘cos that is the exact feeling that I have,> as I feel that I have failed to provide for the physicaland emotional needs of my child, and failed to be the dad and mum for my child.

There was one particular day, when I had an emergency at work. Hence, I had to leave home whilst my child was still sleeping. So thinking that there was still rice leftovers, I hastily cooked an egg and left after informing my sleepy child.

With the double roles, I am often exhausted at work as well as when I am home. So after a long day, I came home, totally drained of all energy. So with just a brief hug and kiss for my child, I went straight into the room, skipping dinner. However, when I jumped into my bed with intention of just having a well-deserved sleep, all I heard and felt was brokenporcelain and warm liquid! I flipped open my blanket, and there lies the source of the ‘problem’… a broken bowl with instant noodles and a mess on the bed sheet and blanket!

Boy, was I mad! I was so furious that I took a clothes hanger, charged straight at my child who was happily playing with his toy, and give him a good spanking! He merely cried but not asking for mercy, except a short explanation:

“Dad, I was hungry and there wasn’t anymore leftover rice. But you were not back yet, hence I wanted to cook some instant noodles. But Iremembered you reminding me not to touch or use the gas stove withoutany adults around, hence I turned on the shower and used the hot water from the bathroom to cook the noodles. One is for you and the other is for me. However, I was afraid that the noodles will turn cold, so I hid it under the blanket to keep it warm till you return. But I forgot to remind you ‘cos I was playing with my toys…I am sorry Dad…”

At that moment, tears were starting to run down my cheeks…but I didn’t want my son to see his dad crying so I dashed into the bathroom and cried with the shower head on to mask my cries. After that episode, I went towards my son to give him a tight hug and applied medication on him, while coaxing him to sleep. Then, it was time to clear up the mess on the bed. When everything was done and well past midnight, I passed my son’s room, and saw that he was still crying, not from the pain on his little buttock, but from looking at the photograph of his beloved mummy.

A year has passed since the episode, I have tried, in this period, to focus on giving him both the love of his dad and mum, and to attend to most of his needs. And soon, he is turning seven, and will be graduating from kindergarten. Fortunately, the incident did not leave a lastingimpression on his childhood memories and he is still happily growing up.

However, not so long ago, I hit my boy again, with much regret. This time, his kindergarten teacher called, informing me of my son’s absence from school. I took off early from work and went home, expecting him to explain. But he wasn’t to be found, so I went around our house, calling out his name and eventually found him outside a stationery shop, happily playing computer games. I was fuming, brought him home and whack the hell out of him. He did not retaliate, except to say, ‘I am sorry, Dad’.But after much probing, I realized that it was a ‘Talent Show’ organized by his school and the invite is for every student’s mummy. And that was the
reason for his absence as he has no mummy…..

Few days after the caning, my son came home to tell me, the kindergarten has recently taught him how to read and write. Since then, he has kept to himself and stayed in his room to practise his writing, which I amsure, would make my wife proud, if she was still around. ‘cos he makes me proud too!

Time passes by very quickly, and soon another year has passed. It’s winter, and its Christmas time. Everywhere the christmas spirit is in every passer-by… Christmas carols and frantic shoppers…. but alas, my son got into another trouble. When I was about to knock off from the day’s work, the post office called. Due to the peak season, the post master was also on an edgy mood. He called to tell me that my son has attempted to post several letters with no addressee. Although I did make a promisenever to hit my son again, I couldn’t help but to hit him as I feel that this child of mine is really beyond control. Once again, as before, he apologized, ’ I’m sorry, Dad’ and no additional reason to explain. I pushed him towards a corner, went to the post office to collect the letters with no addressee and came home, and angrily questioned my son on his prank, during this time of the year.

His answer, amidst his sobbing, was : The letters were for Mummy. My eyes grew teary, but I tried to control my emotions and continued to ask him: ” But why did u post so many letters, at one time?” My son’s reply was: ” I have been writing to mummy for a long time, but each time I reach out for the post box, it was too high for me, hence I was not able to post the letters. But recently, when I went back to the postbox, I could reach it and I sent it all at once…”

After hearing this, I was lost. Lost at not knowing what to do, what to say….. I told my son, ” Son, mummy is in the heavenly kingdom, so in future, if you have anything to tell her, just burn the letter and it will reach mummy. My son, on hearing this, was much pacifi ed and calm, and soon after, he was sleeping soundly. On promising that I will burn the letters on his behalf, I brought the letters outside, but couldn’t help opening the letter before they turn to ash.

And one of the letters broke my heart….

Dear Mummy,

I miss you so much! Today, there was a ‘Talent Show’ in school, and the school invited all mothers for the show. But you are not around, so I did not want to participate as well. I did not tell Dad about it as I was afraid that Dad would start to cry and miss you all over again. Dad went around looking for me, but in order to hide my sadness, I sat in front of the computer and started playing games at one of the shops. Dad was furious, and he couldnt help it but scolded and hit me, but I did not tell him the real reason. Mummy, everyday I see Dad missing you and
whenever he think of you, he is so sad and often hide and cry in h is room. I
think we both miss you very very much. Too much for our own good I think. But Mummy, I am starting to forget your face. Can you please appear in my dreams so that I can see your face and remember you? I heard that if you fall asleep with the photograph of the person whom you miss, you will see the person in your dreams. But mummy, why havent you appear?

After reading the letter, I cant stop sobbing. ‘cos I can never replace the irreplaceable gap left behind by my wife….

sometimes, all we need to do is listen

listen to the stories behind it, the excuses, the reasons, cause answers might just lie deep within