last night.. i sleep a lot.. for me is a healthy sleep..
i realize i am picking myself little by little for just one day
i have a conversation with people around me
and i feel thing seem to be much and much more familiar..just like the way it used to be..
does human really have to drop to the lowest point before they realize the meaning of being themself..?


i am starting to think clear.. i am like a new paper.. empty and clean
starting to absorbing things i wan ..thing i really want to be fill in by me..the author..
i am starting to see hope.. start to believe in myself.. start to see how bright the sky..
to really feel that life can be really be so much better if i would just be right :)

i know i often say things like i am gonna be okay.. but this time.. i suppose thing have become really much more better... i start to feel tired.. not because of the stress..but is because i am able to relax and let go so much thing surrounding me.. i no longer mind what i had, what i want.. i just wan to enjoy the moment i am breathing and appreciatte people that do so much just for me..

i feel like i am just like a writer now, i just wan to write a good story.. a positive writer..
nvr feel sad or cry for thing i wrote wrong.. but just able to crumble the negative that i wrote..and write all over again.. all i wan is just to write a good story..for me , and people that will reading it as well~~

i feel so sleepy, i feel like smiling.. i feel i want thing to be better...i need to write a good story....

i just wan to enjoy life~

today i had gone up one more lesson,
Last night,i had a great night and Today, I also had a great morning...

Life is really really isnt easy, i could actually tell myself that i been through a lot of thing...
To put it simple, i thought i am strong.. last time , i always think
Why people have to suffer in something that is so small of?
Why do they need to torture themself?
i think this way, is not because i do not have a heart for them..
It just that i been through something which is more than what they have been through
People that i am close with, been through more than just that..but i do not see them frown...

I always thought, human strength in outward or inward is depending on how his or her mind think..
As long as u be smart, be a bit not so stubborn, think the right way.. then u can endure almost every pain in the world can be given...

But i am wrong.. my own thinking and thought is really able to only useful for myself..
It couldnt apply onto someone that is completely new to this..
Thats why they are confuse, they refuse to listen.. they cant think wisely no matter how many notes and no matter how many help u gave them...

I suppose we should really do it in a hard way isnt it?
Letting someone that is in need to learn their own way, create their own thought... train themself..
it is how they become immune to thing that they are worrying and fear of now...
I realize the best thing for being with someone is just being with them patiencely ...
Not expecting them to be strong as u are.. just let them pass through pain that will soon recovered..
It heartache.. so its understandable when someone u love break down in front of u ...
u cant manage to handle the pain .. so u will do anything that is not needed in order to make them feel better.. but unconsiously , only to realize you made thing goes worst...

I believe everyone capability in handling stuff might not be that good ..some is really strong.. some is really bad at it..
But all this is produced with their background, whether are they educated properly or who they are going on with ...frens,relatives and even strangers..

I personally ,honestly can say that i come from the worst background in society..
People that knew me well.. know that i dont really expose where and what i am from...
And also educated? i am not saying educating in term of school..its wat how surrounding educate you... If u ask me who is my own teacher, i will say is me...myself.. Yes, i am born without being teach how to see things in a better way.. in a better view..that explain why i wasnt that bright when i was little.. i hAd the most terrible childhood.. i onli see darkness through it..
so i really do understand wat is the difference between darkness and light.. wat is deeper and wat is brighter...

Frens and other people that surrounding me had teach me very well ( but not during my dark ages) ... i am glad to have surrounding people escorting me with how they treat me...including betrayal and take me for granted..

All the feeling had make me numb .. all the stuff that happen have sometimes made me lose myself.. i am not frown and i am not sad of it..because i still knew its not really that wise to be sad or frown for it.. But its only make me become not as good and fine as last time.. so picking up myself is what i should really be doing now...

Qi Xiang today told me how to pick myself by giving me a way.. TRY and ERROR...
in many things, try a method u had and applying on different subject...
All the subject will give a different result..when a method is useful..it became ur method
and that is how u pick up urself.. with all the good thing u did and also for yourself..
When u know something is urs , something u own and only u own it.. that complete yourself..
everything about you is so extraordinary...

He also told me something that is so simple... but maybe when someone live too long.. simple isnt an option for them i guess..due to many factors like being cautios or fear...
Life seriously, no one mention and will think is easy..unless u are a retard (being retard is good huh?)
since life is not easy,why not make the best out of it.. smile through hardship .. shout through silence.. fight through weak... and ENJOY YOUR LIFE!

ENJOY YOUR LIFE! this sentence suddenly hammered to my brain so much that it still sound real hard in me... i wish who ever that is not feeling well, giving up hope, clinging on, enduring and carrying on with their life.. remember, all we have to do ... is just ENJOY YOUR LIFE~

以前的我，再见..未来的我，欢迎

soemtimes, if u feel uneasy and also uncomfortable,
wat will be ur first thought of mind?
especially u are in a very hectic day, u might do a million thing ,
but u seal up ur mouth , ur heart, ur feeling.. when there is a split second of break in the middle
wat will really be going through ur mind ?

many ppl use to tell me , they will take this most precious moment
to think of the person they cherish the most ,
their son,daughter, sibling, mom , dad, frens, and also their partner..

for them it will put a little smile on them, thinking of their precious really give them a
wonderful time even at the split moments..for me..its a fortunate...

life have been such a hectic, 24 hours, and the seconds between it is getting so small for us..
we wish to have longer life span, a longer decade, a longer time , a longer second...
just to spend time for the important person ... ourself...

i used to some person that is fully utilize my time .. i arent that fortunate to have someone to be with me, to be there for me.. life is onli just wake up , do wat i shud do and pass the 24 hour wasted on me myself..i felt great..i felt i lead a better time for myself...

but i think i am wrong that moment.. i nvr spend even the most quality and precious of my time to myself..all i did is just some task to make me avoid wat i shud face .. i refuse to give my time a stop .. a pause..not even a second.. i dun care my hair, i dun dress up, i dun spend money on myself.. i dun care my health .. i dun care even if i die.. all i wanted is just to do anything that able to let me pass my one day like a second.. i wan to grow up, i wan to just pass time like nvr b4

thinking back of my life seem to be pathetic, all i had is not even a handful...even i am giving a chase now, i will not get back wat i left behind... thing is twist and turn now..

i am now starting to give myself a break, a pause ... to think of my precious person i wanna be with.. i wan to experience wat others claim to be a fortunate... hmmmm....

i miss the past me, and also love hate him at the same time... now..i will say good bye to my old self, the nvr changing old self.. just to lead a better way.. a better tomoro.. a better person.. a better me.. the new me

i will have a night of myself and me... take it like a farewell party that onli consist my mind and also my soul... the mind is leaving .. and the soul stay alive...

and tomoro i will meet a new mind

再见了现在的我，欢迎未来的我

回憶

心若倦了　淚也乾了
這份深情　難捨難了
曾經擁有　天荒地老
已不見你　暮暮與朝朝

這一份情　永遠難了
願來生還能　再度擁抱
愛一個人　如何廝守到老
怎樣面對一切　我不知道

回憶過去　痛苦的相思忘不了
為何你還來　撥動我心跳
愛你怎麼能了　今夜的你應該明膫
緣難了　情難了

thoughts

I believe when human is born, they come to this world alone before being taken by their parents..

so at certain time, no matter how grown up a baby is.. no matter how much they changed into a full grown adult which have tremendous mind.. they still couldnt run away from their own personality of all human being have in common.. that is ..its the most comfortable being alone...

yes, pregnant mother nurture the seed of life which is why it show the baby is not alone..

but just to be frank.. i dun think the baby inside the body of a female actually knew anything

they can just doze off and sleep for a long nine months 24/7...

the womb have already become so comfortable that it affect them no matter wat they have in future.. the best thing is just to be inside ur own world.. and doze off..

i dun really find out so much till i really experienced it this days.. many thing been jamming me and here and there..and i almost lose my mind ...for a long moment i thought it is my failure and also my immature that brough this chaos to myself..

when thing gone out of control, i desperately look for a way that is quite rare for me ...

to be completely alone ...not a day .. just for few minutes.. and actually i realize ..human being dun exactly have 1 second of lonely time.. when ur brain is jammed with even a 1 bit of data.. u are not in peace and not in alone state...

i finally able to destroy even a single bit and manage to stay calm .. just like a baby in a womb.. that is just so wonderful.. its like u are existing in a world that everything stop.. and everything is so calm and peaceful.. that is life...

later on ... bit to be destroy need to be reconstruct.. during that state.. constructing data is not exactly a hard job.. because i experience when u are in the womb state.. human tend to have their concentration increase to a thousand times.. no distraction, no noise, no feel, simply just concentration that is freaking strong~~

suppose this blog is to say wat i have been through this week, but i thing i will keep it to myself.. and also person that i would like them to know...

end up , this post have become a place for it to remind me that.. i shud always loyal to my ownself.. be wat i feel the comfortable most... remind me the method to increase my ability in certain occasion where i cant handle..

last but not least, i realize human is just using their thought to a low percentage.. i somehow able to see the potent energy in me... able does not mean it is going to happen always or i am going to be a superman... its rare.. i am fortunate to keep track of it..

i will not forget the me yesterday , and cant wait for the next moment of me~

I Am Fortunate

A story worth sharing…

4 years ago, an accident took my beloved away and very often I wonder, how does my wife, who is now in the heavenly realm, feel right now? She must be feeling extremely sad for leaving a husband who is incapable to taking care of the house and the kid. ‘cos that is the exact feeling that I have,> as I feel that I have failed to provide for the physicaland emotional needs of my child, and failed to be the dad and mum for my child.

There was one particular day, when I had an emergency at work. Hence, I had to leave home whilst my child was still sleeping. So thinking that there was still rice leftovers, I hastily cooked an egg and left after informing my sleepy child.

With the double roles, I am often exhausted at work as well as when I am home. So after a long day, I came home, totally drained of all energy. So with just a brief hug and kiss for my child, I went straight into the room, skipping dinner. However, when I jumped into my bed with intention of just having a well-deserved sleep, all I heard and felt was brokenporcelain and warm liquid! I flipped open my blanket, and there lies the source of the ‘problem’… a broken bowl with instant noodles and a mess on the bed sheet and blanket!

Boy, was I mad! I was so furious that I took a clothes hanger, charged straight at my child who was happily playing with his toy, and give him a good spanking! He merely cried but not asking for mercy, except a short explanation:

“Dad, I was hungry and there wasn’t anymore leftover rice. But you were not back yet, hence I wanted to cook some instant noodles. But Iremembered you reminding me not to touch or use the gas stove withoutany adults around, hence I turned on the shower and used the hot water from the bathroom to cook the noodles. One is for you and the other is for me. However, I was afraid that the noodles will turn cold, so I hid it under the blanket to keep it warm till you return. But I forgot to remind you ‘cos I was playing with my toys…I am sorry Dad…”

At that moment, tears were starting to run down my cheeks…but I didn’t want my son to see his dad crying so I dashed into the bathroom and cried with the shower head on to mask my cries. After that episode, I went towards my son to give him a tight hug and applied medication on him, while coaxing him to sleep. Then, it was time to clear up the mess on the bed. When everything was done and well past midnight, I passed my son’s room, and saw that he was still crying, not from the pain on his little buttock, but from looking at the photograph of his beloved mummy.

A year has passed since the episode, I have tried, in this period, to focus on giving him both the love of his dad and mum, and to attend to most of his needs. And soon, he is turning seven, and will be graduating from kindergarten. Fortunately, the incident did not leave a lastingimpression on his childhood memories and he is still happily growing up.

However, not so long ago, I hit my boy again, with much regret. This time, his kindergarten teacher called, informing me of my son’s absence from school. I took off early from work and went home, expecting him to explain. But he wasn’t to be found, so I went around our house, calling out his name and eventually found him outside a stationery shop, happily playing computer games. I was fuming, brought him home and whack the hell out of him. He did not retaliate, except to say, ‘I am sorry, Dad’.But after much probing, I realized that it was a ‘Talent Show’ organized by his school and the invite is for every student’s mummy. And that was the
reason for his absence as he has no mummy…..

Few days after the caning, my son came home to tell me, the kindergarten has recently taught him how to read and write. Since then, he has kept to himself and stayed in his room to practise his writing, which I amsure, would make my wife proud, if she was still around. ‘cos he makes me proud too!

Time passes by very quickly, and soon another year has passed. It’s winter, and its Christmas time. Everywhere the christmas spirit is in every passer-by… Christmas carols and frantic shoppers…. but alas, my son got into another trouble. When I was about to knock off from the day’s work, the post office called. Due to the peak season, the post master was also on an edgy mood. He called to tell me that my son has attempted to post several letters with no addressee. Although I did make a promisenever to hit my son again, I couldn’t help but to hit him as I feel that this child of mine is really beyond control. Once again, as before, he apologized, ’ I’m sorry, Dad’ and no additional reason to explain. I pushed him towards a corner, went to the post office to collect the letters with no addressee and came home, and angrily questioned my son on his prank, during this time of the year.

His answer, amidst his sobbing, was : The letters were for Mummy. My eyes grew teary, but I tried to control my emotions and continued to ask him: ” But why did u post so many letters, at one time?” My son’s reply was: ” I have been writing to mummy for a long time, but each time I reach out for the post box, it was too high for me, hence I was not able to post the letters. But recently, when I went back to the postbox, I could reach it and I sent it all at once…”

After hearing this, I was lost. Lost at not knowing what to do, what to say….. I told my son, ” Son, mummy is in the heavenly kingdom, so in future, if you have anything to tell her, just burn the letter and it will reach mummy. My son, on hearing this, was much pacifi ed and calm, and soon after, he was sleeping soundly. On promising that I will burn the letters on his behalf, I brought the letters outside, but couldn’t help opening the letter before they turn to ash.

And one of the letters broke my heart….

Dear Mummy,

I miss you so much! Today, there was a ‘Talent Show’ in school, and the school invited all mothers for the show. But you are not around, so I did not want to participate as well. I did not tell Dad about it as I was afraid that Dad would start to cry and miss you all over again. Dad went around looking for me, but in order to hide my sadness, I sat in front of the computer and started playing games at one of the shops. Dad was furious, and he couldnt help it but scolded and hit me, but I did not tell him the real reason. Mummy, everyday I see Dad missing you and
whenever he think of you, he is so sad and often hide and cry in h is room. I
think we both miss you very very much. Too much for our own good I think. But Mummy, I am starting to forget your face. Can you please appear in my dreams so that I can see your face and remember you? I heard that if you fall asleep with the photograph of the person whom you miss, you will see the person in your dreams. But mummy, why havent you appear?

After reading the letter, I cant stop sobbing. ‘cos I can never replace the irreplaceable gap left behind by my wife….

sometimes, all we need to do is listen

listen to the stories behind it, the excuses, the reasons, cause answers might just lie deep within

its no longer something i could handle...

i shall just act as u wish~~

as long as u think is alright...

i shall follow u ..without any doubt...

no matter how i dun like



at this point.. i just hope u realize it urself...

for u..i can be just like wat u wan me to be