drop

wat does it feel for someone that drop from a very high to the very deep down..
i seen bungy jumping or any other sport that related to High to low..
but i guess the most worst of this stuff is mentally u thought u are top of the world
but when the next second u been pull down to the deepest core of ur heart...

it is really.............. unable to decribable pain....


when u thought u are getting promoted, u got demoted instead at the announcement
u thought u are having a great leisure, u got debt instead at the next moment
u thought u are doing pretty well in exam, u got fail instead when result release

all this is just life.. i have beed through up and down oftenly and it usually made us stronger and muvh endurance toward the other drop..

we must always prepare to drop and always be ambitious to stand back up again...

this is a post i dun write for anyone to know..but for me myself...
i am drop down in a deep dissapointed..but i guess.. with this post , i am able to boost me up and face the other drop that is soon coming....

tadah,

life isnt fair

current emotion is very not well
this time i feel others.. i am being sync with someone that is being so harsh toward themself
the usual me will just give them a slap and called them to wake up!
but this case resist myself not to do that...

because..i couldnt understand well wat had she suffer from..
i could no longer say..i understand how u feel..

its sucks..sometimes i felt the world is not fair enough
why is somebody have to suffer another diff lvl of suckness that will make them lost the path ..
its right we shud be tough and shud be rough to face obstacle..
but isnt that a bit too much??...
i just dun get it..for the very first time..i pitied someone..pitied for being brought up in an environment that greatly destroy..in a surrounding close person that nvr is close toward their heart...

its all by herself..and all by her alone...
even i couldnt say that i am by her side... she endure something that i nvr tried..something that i dun dare to tried..something that i will wish my life would not ever get it...

life isnt fair...that is my line for now..i really hope i could help this little girl..become someone she really wan..someone she really happy of..someone that will make her feel alive..someone that will make her think that dead is a fearful incident

but i could onli look by far... and react nothing..

i feel like a total loser...

but its no longer my feel that is concern..
i just hope she is blessed and someone grant me the wisdom to make her realize...
to make her jump out of the dark cave...
i am really really really feeling terrible for someone the first time..
and i hope she will be much better...

may everyone bless her..

It doesnt mean ANYTHING

wat it mean scenario 1
Out of sudden, someone CRASH, BANG, SLAM the door ..and that totally shocked me.. before i am able to get myself back.. 1 after another repeat the action of the first ..CRASH, BANG, SLAM ,CRASH,BANG ,SLAM ......

someone ordered me to do something, another called me to something, and lastly there is someone scolded me for not doing ANYTHING... sweat !

where is the manners they learn?..why is the politely request for help turn into anger order?.. who ever teach them the way to speak thIs way? how it turn out like this? and the most important ...WAT is all the MEANING of telling me stuff like manners, polite, humble, tolerance WHEN u obviously not being an ideal one to me....double sweat!

----ever wonder wat i do in physical with all those mental thInking bout stuff liek that?----
* i quietly did all their request =.= * (yes..i am cheap)

wat it mean scenario 2

u feel bad then u feel it couldnt be tolerate no more..u request a promise.. after some debate..u success and promise is made by the second party...

after a day..(nope ..it dun even last more than 24 hours).. second party come to u , told u wat happen , he/she feel the consequences and HAVE nvr say sorry even though he/she obviously know they broke the promise..

u feel frustrated, u feel forgiving her..u cant.. and then u voice out..telling Him/her .. " wat about our promise?"..she stare at u ..the face expression ..sometime cheeky, sometime give u the "OH NO" face.. some just smile ..and said "i forget :P"...usually is that often..but some cases might be "i am force to" "i dun mean it" "no next time"..but i guess.. "i forget" usually is sucks the most...

after many consequences..and thought and stuff..promise is make not just for sake of u wan make promise..at least thats wat i tHink..

yeah yeah right~~ u forget..so wat u expect me to say ? "nvm, remember next time " and repeat again the next time u said u forget?

so wat is promise? wat is the meaning of it? nothing..not even the existent of it.. terrible...


* i been so used to thIs 2 incident that i can get a PHD in thIs..humans!! get a life..get urself!! dun be an uncivilise..when we are obviously are~~~

---wonderful..really do make my day =.= ---

GG.com... sayonara..

Desire

Recently there have been many thought jamming through my head..

i been wonder wat i have been archieving all this while...

i thought i did good..but onli when i leave my pathetic circle..i found out

actually everyone is doing so much better than me..

in term of handling themself.. i am still so far behind them..i feel like a kid again...

being pamper.. being spoon feed..being naive.. day by day..i become humble ..

do not wan to social..do not wan to care.. do not wan to let ppl know my thought..

fear of being laugh..being pointed to..being look down ..being a gossip target...

i always thought my live is as normal as others.. i deserve nothing more and i do not wan to complicated it...

but i am wrong..i do have a passion and desire inside me.. going to burn out ...

but i do not know where to start..how to do it..who to talk to ..

it does make my emotion and physically stress with all these tHinking..

i had a wrong thought of myself..i do not understand wat is my need and my likes..

i been drown into caring wat others tHink of me..and being a 3rd party ideally person...

i shud stand up.. being wat i am ..being who i am ...

i no longer want to live in a shadow ... not living under someone..but being someone... not fearing the dark..but be the dark... not being feed by the sun..but be the one that feed others...

good luck ..may the god bless me... i will now spread my wing...start my dream

~wing of desire~

ENd of CNy

i do not know wat i did that anger the god
i felt i have drop into something deep
that i no longer feel anything
i am numb toward everything that happen..

Family
this weekend i have totally dissapointed of them
i always thought i give them wat they wan from me
but i nvr expect they actually look at me with the eye that i couldnt explain
i have not talk to them for a week , not i dun ..they disgusted to talk with me
i feel dissapointed...i do not wan go back..i wan to ..but fear to be betray..to be lied...
i cant say i am happy of my family anymore

Friends
when family have problem, look for friends..
but in this weekend it dun help..instead it give me more problem
once again, i saw myself how cheap i am in my friend eye..
fear i bring burden to them, fear that they betray me
but yet they do every single work to bring my mood go worst..

Love
Indeed, the worst person i ever wan to see right now...
a few months ago ..i lost trust in relationship
i thought i could find it from someone...but through something tht i dun agree about
they totally ditch me off far very corner...
dun give me hope when u dun plan to give..
because losing hope is much more worst than nvr ever hope b4

Hostel
this is the last place i ever wanted to be ...
a few days ago is ok ..
but i find out...thing nvr been any better

p/s: i nvr mention anythng happen, onli emotion and feeling...

i just wan to be care and be understand , that easy..but i no longer know who to trust..
i wan to cry..really..in my lifetime..i hope my tear will fall very much..
once i heard tear could relieve ur feeling
i feel terrible
i wan to cry..please

I love BOA

BOA - EaT u Up!

She is the best....

Self Know

i always think i very clear to myself
in emotionly and also in the way i settle my stuff
but nowadays i realize i am very easy to be moved
whenever i get ignored, rejected, scolded..etc..i know i wil have a bad and strong feeling
trying to ram my cool and steady mind...
i always tried to put it down..stay focus ..but not for long..
when ever i am alone..i tend to do something that usually cannot be seen by others..

especially these few days, when tension and stress join forces..there is no where i can hide...
i found my new self..i am a guy but i cannot be hurt in or out..easily moved and easily boom to a sense that even i feel disgusted of myself...

i feel disapointed of myself...i always look up high of how i am ...but after so long..i realize that i have to add another point to my list of failureness..even though i am clear of wat i am ..i do not find it something great.. i find my weakness more and more ..day by day ..and worth of myself..getiing deem and deem...

wat i am now?losing the self control of myself? losing my mind?losing my thought.? am i that weak ? do i need help? i really dunno..i wish to be stronger but i am not..all of it is just merely a wish..a hope ...i need support ...but i do not know how.....

please..give me strength........